remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize