I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
