Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
