I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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