Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
