He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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