He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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