You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
