fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
