I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
