I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
