The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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