why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
