dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
