I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
