I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
