Little spoons don't ask big questions
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
