Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
