So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
