i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
