She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
