How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
