Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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