I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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