Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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