At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize