I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize