smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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