Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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