went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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