can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
