You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
