I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
