he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Dick very happy bro
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
