Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
