She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
