Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
