She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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