Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize