And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
