My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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