he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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