i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
