I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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