Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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