hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
