officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
