I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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