there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
