you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
