so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
