it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
