I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
