You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
