Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
