I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
