U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Your penis caused this!
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