hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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