My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
