Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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